On the one hand, forgiving an act that merely annoys or briefly frustrates you—which can happen on a daily basis—sometimes comes down to evaluating what you are able and willing to let go of, no matter how small the issue might seem.

On the other hand, transforming deep hurts is rarely easy. Themes that come to mind when thinking about the practical process of moving toward forgiveness likely include some of the following: self-awareness, curiosity, the setting of healthy boundaries, empathy, self-compassion, and resilience.

In addition, we can certainly recommend exploring forgiveness through real life stories and all the other resources on our website.

Sometimes, it’s worth breaking down or approaching the process by considering different perspectives. For example, we can look at a situation from our own point of view and contemplate:

• What kind of relationship would I like to have with myself?
• How would I like to feel about myself and my life?
• What are my values?
• What kind of energy would I like to carry wherever I go?
• Who am I, and how do I feel if, for example, I hold onto resentment versus when I release some of that energy?
• Who can I turn to for help in connection with this process?
• What is more important to me as the days, months, and years pass by?

Sometimes, holding onto resentment, clinging onto being right, and developing a hardened shell can help us live through a part of this process.

In other phases, we might be able to soften our approach, let some things go, and hold certain things a bit more lightly. This might require any number of conditions to be in place or to have occurred:

• The passing of time after the event and a greater physical distance from the person whose behaviour we find difficult.
• The setting of healthy boundaries—in other words, developing a sense of psychological and physical safety that allows us to loosen the tightness around an issue. The power of this is often underestimated, which can result in people staying stuck in resentment and a hardened attitude for years or even decades.

On top of the above, you might explore this process through another lens: asking whether you’d like to stay in contact with the person or people involved. If yes, what kind of relationship would you like to have with them?

Working toward forgiveness doesn’t automatically mean that you want to renew a relationship with someone whose behaviour you find hurtful. Forgiveness doesn’t equal reconciliation—but it can lead to it.

It’s worth asking what you can do to support yourself and what you might need from the other person to help you let your guard down again. For example, you might need an apology, time apart (such as going no contact for a while), or to see that the other person has truly changed their behaviour.

Sometimes reconciliation is possible, and other times it might prove to be a significant challenge—especially if the other person cannot provide what you need.

If the person who hurt you is no longer alive or they are not willing to acknowledge the pain they caused and apologise for their behaviour, there are still things you can do. These might include writing them a letter about how you really feel without sending the letter or writing an apology that you would like to receive from them. In some cases, you might have to let go of the hope or the expectation that the other person will ever change. This can be challenging but it might allow you to move forward.

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