Janet's story of rape
Janet, UK
Some years ago Janet’s life catapulted into a downward spiral when she was raped by a man who broke into her house.
He broke into my house and found me reading in bed whilst my two-year-old daughter slept in the room next door. My attacker was apprehended three weeks later and turned out to be a serial rapist who had been released from prison for a similar crime six months previously. He pleaded guilty some time later in the Old Bailey criminal court and was given three life sentences for the attack.
Prior to the attack I had been living a very happy, secure life as a housewife and mother in a leafy, suburban area. Within weeks we had to move out of our beautiful family home and into a cramped rented flat with most of our belongings in storage because the memory and the fear of another attack was unbearable. I was offered support in the form of Prozac and tranquilisers and began drinking a bottle of wine at night to block things out. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and reactive depression.
I felt that the attack had violated my very foundations; not only my body and mind, but my marriage, my family, my home and my friendships. I no longer recognised myself and nothing and nowhere felt safe.
Two months after the attack, I realised with huge disappointment that no-one was really going to help me apart from myself. I ditched the medication and embarked upon a long, hard journey of self discovery. I sought therapy, read, studied, researched, exercised, learned to meditate, gained a counselling qualification, worked voluntarily with the police and in the courts with witnesses of crimes. It has been a rocky road, extreme at times. Not all my actions were positive; on occasion my behaviour was destructive. My marriage was irrecoverably damaged by the attack and, after much effort, eventually failed after I had an affair with a man who subsequently became ill and whom I nursed until, tragically, he died. It took everything in me to walk away from my marriage and rebuild a life for myself and my children whilst grieving my lover. Despite the pain this has caused and my sometimes overwhelming guilt and sense of loss I have never doubted it was the right decision, if perhaps the hardest.
My wish is to pass on the defining lesson that I discovered from this horrific experience – which is that we all have the gift of CHOICE. I realised with an enormous sense of clarity that I could CHOOSE to continue to live my life from a position of abject terror and fear, I could CHOOSE to continue to be a victim with all the negativity that brings, or I could CHOOSE to consider myself a survivor and to free myself from circumstances beyond my control, from the perpetrator of the crime and then from a life which was no longer serving me, CHOOSE to move forward and gain understanding and knowledge, CHOOSE to forgive or not to forgive, CHOOSE to continue to see the good in people, trust and experience life, CHOOSE how to spend my days, and indeed CHOOSE how to live my life. To quote Viktor Frankyl, in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” –
“...Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Seven years later I am sitting here writing this to you from my own home, with my morning coffee. I am planning my future career and I am preparing for a working trip to Africa where I will be supporting orphans whose parents have died of AIDS: A humbling reminder of two certainties in life, firstly that none of us can escape suffering, but we can choose how we react to it and, secondly, that no matter where we find ourselves, there are always those worse off than us.
There is not enough room or time here to record fully how I am sitting writing this to The Forgiveness Project with a feeling of contentment, happiness, peace, love and gratitude in my heart. It is not my intention to be evangelical about my recovery – I have faults, and plenty of them. But I am fortunate enough to have learnt to accept my failings as well as my qualities, do my best to learn from every experience life brings and then choose to move on.